Just say “YES” to “ME”. Seven years ago, the thought would never have crossed my mind. Today, I don’t contemplate heavily about what that really means.
My 2015 has been a roller coaster ride of emotional unrest. Life as I knew it unraveled and came completely undone. That woman that I thought I was supposed to be was stripped down bare naked and exposed for a fraud. It was painful and embarrassing. The bitter cold of being exposed was brutal and lonely. It was just me… I could not hide and I could not disappear. I had to stand there for all to see. My family, friends, children and even strangers stared at my exposed bare naked self. I had to see my true self. I could not say “YES” to “ME”.
The true me was depressed and unhappy, because I was in a horrible marriage. My spouse was abusive mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially and finally physically. For years, I keep trying to be everything to my husband and everyone else. I believed what my religion taught me about marriage and applied the principles taught to run my home like a well-oiled machine.
However, the reality was that I knew that my relationship with my husband got worse every year, no matter how hard I tried. I tried everything too, but nothing changed the fact that I felt horrible about my marriage. I prayed so hard for things to change, my faith would not allow me to believe that my marriage was destine for failure. Surely God would change my marriage and my husband, if I stayed faithful.
So armed with that believed, I said “NO” to me. I lost “ME”. She was gone, with her dreams, desires, goals, and self-worth. I could not find her, she appeared in old photographs and old journals. The “ME” that I knew and loved disappeared for good. “ME” as I knew it was gone forever (so I thought), in her place the “SHELL” remained. The “SHELL” lived the life that others told her too. She was great at all her wifely/motherly duties and others desired to be her. They believed that the “SHELL” was happy with her life.
The “SHELL” was empty on the inside and fragile on the outside. Easily broken by the opinions of other women and a husband that wanted to break her down. The “SHELL” never got tired of denying “ME”, even when “ME” screamed from far away to come back. The “SHELL” was empty, but had no space for “ME” or “YES”, the “SHELL” worked best alone and in isolation knowing that no one would support what “ME” and “YES” really wanted.
I believe that God set “ME” free in 2015. There was a price for freedom, but in order to say “YES” to “ME”…it was paid. In the first week of October 2014, my husband came home from church and beat the “SHELL” up in front of my four children. The “SHELL” did not fight back or call the police. He destroyed the “SHELL” and she was broken forever. He could not put the pieces back together, she was not repairable and he knew it. The following day, “ME” returned and took action. “ME” swept up the broken pieces of the “SHELL” and discarded them. Then “ME” did the most important thing in my life, she said “YES”. She said “YES”….You deserve better! Your children deserve better! God wants you to have the best!
It took months, but in February 2015…I said “NO” to my abusive cheating narcissistic spouse and “YES” to “ME”. It was hard, because the “SHELL” was gone and people did not want “ME”. They told “ME” to stay a “SHELL” for the sake of the children and my husband could change. “ME” was scared to walk away, but knew that saying “YES” to “ME” meant life and not death. “ME” was a fighter and much stronger than the “SHELL”. “ME” took the hits from judgmental people, the abusive spouse and those that walked away. In the end, “ME” was stronger every day and able to say “YES” to a new life. A life were peace, faith and joy roamed free in the home and the children laughed with glee.
In the end, those that discovered “ME” loved her. I love her too. She is creative, honest, funny, brave, strong, free, love, dependent, beautiful, fashionable, kind and fun. Her plans include raising great kids, becoming wealthy, being healthy, giving back, and inspiring others. Maybe experiencing true love. “ME” is awesome and I am so glad that I said “YES” to “ME”.